I've been well aware of the looming anniversary of Dad's passing (of course) and have been wondering how I'm going to handle it (I'll answer that one on Tuesday and let you know how I go.) I was convinced it's been harder this year than last year, but upon rereading my posts from last year, I think it was worse then.
There've been tears, lots of them... but last year, I think there were a lot too... it's getting hard to remember, or maybe I just don't want to remember. Some days, I cry when I think about the day, some days I don't. Maybe like last year, it's just the anticipation that I'm finding so hard? I don't cry at random times anymore, and I feel as though I've reached some sort of level of acceptance. Most importantly, I'm not angry about it anymore. Anger was my overwhelming feeling for a long time afterwards. I tried not to let it show outwardly, but I was really pissed off.
To which I responded, "Love you."
"And when you have to leave a message, what do you say?"
"Hi, it's me, just calling to see how you are, give me call when you can. Love you, bye."
And that's it, exactly. Dad knew that I loved him. He knows that I still love him.
That was enough to help me me to get over my anger - it didn't happen overnight, but it happened eventually. (Phill and I have had the same conversation more than once, twice or even thrice over the past two years.)
I'm still sad, but not angry... and I think that's pretty good.
(Dad always hated it when I was in a grump anyway.)