Sunday, 25 July 2010

Stumbling Upon Wisdom

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts in the last little while and I haven't really realised why until this instant.  It's almost as though the realisation bypassed my conscious mind and is only free to flow through my fingers as they fly across the keyboard.  (I was planning to write about knitting today... maybe that'll come tomorrow!)

I've been feeling off-colour for the usual reasons (i.e. - tired, distracted, a little homesick), but also because there has been many big and little changes in my life over the past year.  I know change is an inevitable part of life; a necessary component to growth and as the saying goes (translated from French) "The more things change, the more they remain the same."  But I'm finding I crave some sense of stability and simplicity because:

Change.  Is.  Scary. 

 I want things to go back about a year.  Life to rewind to when it was just a tiny bit easier and scary "adult" decisions didn't have to be made.  When Dad was still around.  But time marches on.

The last straw for me seems to be my, er, our cute, new red car.  It's is ridiculously cute.  I do ♥  it.  We've just (as in today) purchased it from Nana, as she no longer drives.  I really enjoy driving. I always have - especially in a car that handles nicely.  It's fun. 

But learning how to drive a manual after driving an automatic for 17 some odd years has just about sent me over the edge.  It's exhilarating and I'm quite pleased that I've learned and I can mostly do it, but at this precise moment, I'm feeling very mixed up about changing yet another thing that was so normal to me.  Another piece of what was my understanding of 'normal' has changed.  It's a small thing, but there we go.  I'm not saying it's rational, it just is.  I have no doubt, I will bawl my eyes out when I sell my impractically small black car, with its silly red rims. 

Which leads to this...

Unfortunately for those closest to me, this 'out of sorts-ness' comes out as being really, really grumpy (I'm very sorry. Very. Very.  Very.) Tears are threateningly close to the surface at all times. Not just sometimes, or most of the time, at all times, regardless of what I'm doing. (Which I find endlessly frustrating.)  Increasingly more often, I find my brows are knit together in a most unattractive way and a scowl firmly planting itself on my kisser. I don't even think I realise that I'm doing it sometimes...  as though the muscles in my face all move by their own volition.  I find myself feeling emotionally detached to what I'd usually care for and far too emotional about things I shouldn't be so bothered by.  The most unfortunate side effect of all this, is that I'm not loving myself as much as I usually do and should do.

So, at least I'm aware of it, right?  Then... The universe has given me just what I needed, yet again.  I'm not sure how I stumbled onto this article : 100 Ways You Can Start Loving Yourself Right Now as I was searching for the Good Reads widget, but it is just what I need.  It brought a smile to my face and a bit of lightness to my heart.  Now, I am being realistic; I know I'll snap out of this blue funk and this article has not cured me of my present state - but it is a well needed push a very right direction. 

If you can, take a ten minute time out to read the article.  I hope it will help that (sometimes elusive) path of positivity to stay lit for you too. 

3 comments:

Katy said...

Love this post! :) You have done very well being strong through the last few months, especially when I MAKE you do manual hill starts in my horrible beast of a car!! :) But don't forget a few tears can lighten your load too!

Shazeen said...

I have never ever written in response to a blog before, but here goes :) We love you Tes, and want you to be as happy as humanly possible. I know things have been really rough, and I feel myself feeling the same way as you, but life is about picking yourself up and remembering all that is special and wonderful about you and your life.

xoxo

me

tez said...

@Katy - thanks my lovely. It makes it a lot easier to have such great support! And I SUPPOSE the hill starts were for my own good. :)

@Shazeen - I love you so much. So lucky to have you as my babhi... we can pick up together, eh? Was great talking with you today and I did feel scads better afterwards! xox

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