Sunday, 1 May 2011

My Heart Is Finally Full of Gratitude

Okay.  I'll say it.  I've been struggling with being grateful for the last few weeks. 

There have been the odd dazzlingly-bright spots here and there (weddings, anniversaries and house purchasing - truly awesome) but overwhelmingly, the emotion I've was one of being sort of pissed off.  I have a lot of anger and frustration about Dad's passing and the fact that today is the one year anniversary of that day.  My heart was too full of anger, frustration, sadness and self-pity to be full of gratitude.  It wasn't a great place to be, but I'm not going to apologize for it.  It's natural and I'm okay with that. 

I'm also okay with the fact that there have been floods tears over the last few weeks (just to clarify, those tears have been mine.)  Usually, they would come at random and often inopportune moments.  Sometimes there would be torrents of tears, at other times it would be just a trickle... but they've been there, constantly threatening to come out and wreak havoc upon my carefully applied eyeliner and mascara.  One day, I started crying while putting on my eyeliner.  Then I poked myself in the eye with it.  After that I'm not sure if I was crying about Dad or the fact that I was momentarily blinded with a black slash of crazy Japanese liquid eyeliner across my eyeball.  I like to think that I was rocking the heroin chic raccoon look that day.  I can giggle at that now, but I couldn't when it happened.

Now that today has (more or less) ended, I'm feeling... lighter.  My grief hasn't lessened but as I lay on the sofa, staring blankly at Phillip I felt my heart fill up. (HA! fill up - Phillip?  Get it?  That was totally unplanned.  I'm such a dork.  Even dorkier - I'm not going to edit that out.)

Seriously though. 

I am so freakin' loved!  I'm not trying to be immodest, but in that singular moment, I stopped to think.  It came in a deluge - I was thinking about Phillipa, who sent me a text first thing this morning to offer her company and hugs if I needed it; about Shazeen, who has been checking up on me for the past few days; about Faiza who sent me so much love and so many hugs over the phone that I couldn't help BUT to feel them.  Then there was hearing the sound of Mum's voice that made me feel miles better... just hearing her was enough.  That was just todayI have had friends and family sending me so much love and support and propping me up over the past year, it's unbelievable.  How can I forget that and have a pity party?

But Phillip.  Wow.  I am so in love with that man.  I don't know that I can express how thankful I am for him.  For his patience, his love, his slightly off-beat (and sometimes inappropriate) sense of humour, the hugs, his understanding, his intuitiveness and his just knowing.  I look at him, and my heart smiles and I know I'm home.  I am so grateful that he is my husband.

My heart is full of love and gratitude again.  That's how Dad would have wanted it.  


Megan said...

I am thinking of you today Tez. Your father will always be apart of your life and always live on in your heart. Glad to hear your feeling a little lighter today and surrounded by love.

Megan said...

Big hugs, Tez.

P.S. You and Phill are just way too cute.

Alison said...

Your story about the mascara in the eye kind of reminded me of the picture I have of you on the floor of your room on Preston St. right after your can of royal blue paint spilled all over the carpet, which was covering a huge whole in the floor. I'm not sure why I'm reminded of that at this particular moment. I think because you look so defeated in that picture and it sounds like you have been feeling that very same way recently (obviously over much more adult things). I miss you like crazy. I wish I could be there to help you clean up your paint, fix your floor and drink white hot chocolate with Bailey's. In the meantime, I will send you a hug from across the International Date Line. Comin' at you from yesterday (or is it tomorrow). xo

Anonymous said...

Megan & Megan - thank you so much for your loveliness! Just knowing my friends are thinking of me helps so much.

Alison - gratefully receiving & returning your Bailey's laden, paint spattered, hole fixing hug. I miss you like crazy too! Thank you, my dear. x

You guys are awesome. See? Lucky me!

sheba said...


Anonymous said...

Thank you, lovely Sheba. xo


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