Okay. I'll say it. I've been struggling with being grateful for the last few weeks.
There have been the odd dazzlingly-bright spots here and there (weddings, anniversaries and house purchasing - truly awesome) but overwhelmingly, the emotion I've was one of being sort of pissed off. I have a lot of anger and frustration about Dad's passing and the fact that today is the one year anniversary of that day. My heart was too full of anger, frustration, sadness and self-pity to be full of gratitude. It wasn't a great place to be, but I'm not going to apologize for it. It's natural and I'm okay with that.
I'm also okay with the fact that there have been floods tears over the last few weeks (just to clarify, those tears have been mine.) Usually, they would come at random and often inopportune moments. Sometimes there would be torrents of tears, at other times it would be just a trickle... but they've been there, constantly threatening to come out and wreak havoc upon my carefully applied eyeliner and mascara. One day, I started crying while putting on my eyeliner. Then I poked myself in the eye with it. After that I'm not sure if I was crying about Dad or the fact that I was momentarily blinded with a black slash of crazy Japanese liquid eyeliner across my eyeball. I like to think that I was rocking the heroin chic raccoon look that day. I can giggle at that now, but I couldn't when it happened.
Now that today has (more or less) ended, I'm feeling... lighter. My grief hasn't lessened but as I lay on the sofa, staring blankly at Phillip I felt my heart fill up. (HA! fill up - Phillip? Get it? That was totally unplanned. I'm such a dork. Even dorkier - I'm not going to edit that out.)
I am so freakin' loved! I'm not trying to be immodest, but in that singular moment, I stopped to think. It came in a deluge - I was thinking about Phillipa, who sent me a text first thing this morning to offer her company and hugs if I needed it; about Shazeen, who has been checking up on me for the past few days; about Faiza who sent me so much love and so many hugs over the phone that I couldn't help BUT to feel them. Then there was hearing the sound of Mum's voice that made me feel miles better... just hearing her was enough. That was just today. I have had friends and family sending me so much love and support and propping me up over the past year, it's unbelievable. How can I forget that and have a pity party?
But Phillip. Wow. I am so in love with that man. I don't know that I can express how thankful I am for him. For his patience, his love, his slightly off-beat (and sometimes inappropriate) sense of humour, the hugs, his understanding, his intuitiveness and his just knowing. I look at him, and my heart smiles and I know I'm home. I am so grateful that he is my husband.
My heart is full of love and gratitude again. That's how Dad would have wanted it.